Greetings, found a few things I thought I would mention about your story.  It is a nice start, but it does need a bit of work, I would suggest finding a beta to help you with your writing.  Try to watch out for puncuation and to not have more than one person talking in a single paragraph.  Also it seemed a bit rushed to me, but I believe it could become a pretty decent one-shot if given a bit more TLC.

I wish you much luck in your future writing.

Hairann