I think this could be a good story if you draw it out more. It all happened too fast and seemed as though it wa just the plot with a few words and lyrics linking sentances together. I hope this helped and that you revise it, perhapse making this happen over a long period of time and easing into th rlationship. I just found that they were completely out of character.

um...that wuz.....unexpected!!!!!!!??? but i luved it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!it wuz awsome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!write moreplzplzplz!!!! :D ps:peace+luv+respect=happieness 3